So I am sitting here writing this post after taking nearly a five month hiatus from writing. Yep, you read that correctly. If you actually read my blog, you know that there was a strong gap between September and the end of January. A strong gap. But that is what this post is about so, let’s get to it.
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“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. – Philippians 4:6-7”
When I first started blogging, I truly felt the need to “keep up.” I was posting to social media 2-3 times a day (the thought of that now makes me nauseous) and I was publishing at least three blog posts per week. Why you ask? Because I thought I had to. I thought that in order to keep up with the industry, I had to constantly produce content. I had to have a pretty website. An assistant. Basically I had to have my life completely together…all while being newly married and working a full time job that has nothing to do with blogging. It was hard. And extremely draining.
If you have been around for a minute then you have heard me talk about giving myself GRACE. It was my word of the year last year because I had become SO caught up in keeping up with the joneses that I was forgetting that I was human. I wanted to do it all. I wanted to be the best. And let’s be real, I still want that, just like any human probably does. But the difference is, now I don’t want it if it means losing my sanity. My mental health, physical health, marriage…it is all more important than this.
So with all of that being said, that leads me to today. I want to talk about my phrase for 2020. Yes, I know it is February and I know any other blogger would have had this post up on January 1st, but that is what this is about. Last year, my word was “grace.” I chose that because I wanted to remember to give myself grace in life. I wanted to remind myself that it is okay to mess up, to not post for a week, to be present in my real life instead of my Instagram life. But even with that reminder, I still found myself holding tight to this image of perfection. I was still trying to be perfect in all that I did…I basically was just giving myself a little more time to do it. So needless to say, I was still pretty tired.
Fast forward to November 2019 when we found out about this sweet blessing that will be here in July, I quickly learned that pregnancy tired was a real thing. I was EXHAUSTED. To the point where I would come home from work and get straight on the couch. I would cry in my car before my Pure Barre classes because I thought there was no way I could physically do it. I never actually got “sick” but I was just so tired. Well, I did a pretty good job at not stressing about the blog too much, but still found myself worrying at times about what I should post or scheduling a photoshoot so I had content. And this is where I realized I wasn’t actually giving myself grace.
We were in church one night and our pastor told us to hold out our hands, making fists, and close our eyes. He said, “what are you holding on to?” He continued and asked us, “what are you so fearful of losing that you won’t completely trust the Lord with?” Tears were streaming down my face because in one hand I envisioned my anxiety, while in the other I envisioned my blog. WHAT?! I didn’t know what that meant. Why in the world would I be fearful of losing something that hurts me daily (my anxiety) or why would I not let go of something that I claim has no control over me (the blog)? What was happening? Serious confusion filled me and truthfully, I am still trying to figure the whole thing out. But for now, this is what I have determined. I want to be the best at everything I do (which is a whole other issue) and my to-do list is quite long. Daily I have my full time job, Pure barre classes, my blog, my marriage, keeping my house in order and of course, sleeping. That is a lot to handle. My marriage is obviously my main concern. My job is something that holds priority because it is my career. The other things are all add-ons. But add-ons that I clearly do not want to let go of. And this was never supposed to be the case.
When I started Gracefully Taylored, I wanted it to be my creative outlet. I wanted it to be a space where I felt comfortable writing or sharing my favorite fashion finds. It was light. I was fun. It was a place where I was going to be able to use my voice for good. To inspire. To encourage. And for the most part, it is that, but I think after all of these years, I have been fearful of losing control. This is why I have always felt that I have to “keep up.” I wanted to be out in the front of the wave. And it has worn me down, but I am still hanging on with dear life. Almost like if I let go, I fail. But what is this failure really? Who cares if I post less? If my posts are meaningful when they go live, that is what matters…right? And part two of this whole thing is also funny. My anxiety goes hand-in-hand with my “need to do it all” mentality. So I think that I was/am fearful of letting that part go because I felt that if I did, then I was losing control. It truthfully is this never ending circle.
After reading this confusing mess, you can probably guess what my phrase for 2020 is…”let go.” I want to release that grip I have on things. On the blog, the extras, work even. I want to let go and feel like I am able to release myself from the worry. My work will all be there on Monday. My blog will still be a published website. My Instagram will still have a grid. They aren’t going anywhere if I choose to let go and allow time for myself. And I hope that as I learn to truly let go, I will truly find that grace that I wanted to give myself last year.
